This is some back ground information about myself if you are interested.


    Well, I guess I will start at the begining. One night my mom and dad, who loved each other very very much, washed their undies together... 9 months later, I was found in the lint trap of the drier. I am not gonna talk much about my child hood... It wasn't that great and that's how I will leave that. I know that if I was to tell you about it it would possibly make you realize how I got to where I am now, but in all honesty, it just hurts to much to talk about it.
    This isn't my first time trying to change my life for the better, get off the drugs, get a job and a family and live a healthy life style and all that. I believe I did very well the first time but I wasn't quite to the point that I am at now as far as my addictions go.
I am pretty sure its gonna be harder the second time around, mainly because I have already tried once, and I succeeded, then everything went bad and I relapsed and never recovered from it.
    We'll start out around March of 2006, the day I decided to sober up, the first time. My girl friend at the time tells me shes pregnant. I instantly stopped what I was doing, trying to grasp what was just said to me. I put a smile on my face as quick as I could, to me it felt like forever but it in real time it must have only been seconds, I looked her in the eyes and I mustered up all the strength I had to say " That's great baby, but are you sure your pregnant?" When she showed me the test is when I decided that I needed to change myself.
    Through the months of her pregnancy I tried cutting back on the drugs, I tried not going around certain people. My addiction proved stronger then I thought, mainly because I was in denial about being addicted in the first place. about 3 months into the pregnancy I had an idea... I can't do drugs if I join the military!
  So, join the military I did. I joined the United States Army National Guard. I signed my final paper work for it at MEPS on 09/21/2007. I went Infantry because I was told it was the fastest way to be sure you got sent over seas if you were in the guard. *side note* I was gonna join active army but national guard had better college benefits.
   I didn't think about how much this would affect my girl friend or myself at the time. I only thought of the good changes it would bring: money, job security, medical insurance, life insurance, college benefits, and my favorite part, it was a job I couldn't just quit if I decided I didn't want to work anymore. I didn't think about the stress it would put in our relationship. It pretty much drove us apart.
   My son Malakai was born January 15th 2008. It was definately a memorable day. Jackie, my girl friend at the time, went into labor at about 11pm to 12amish 01/14/2008. We didn't know that she had gone into labor, she said she had to use the bathroom and I was to focused on my video game at the time to realize that she had been in the bathroom for 3 1/2 hours. So I decided to see if she was in bed.
    As I ventured up the stair way of our apartment I noticed the bathroom door is open and the light is on, I figured she forgot to turn it off. As i turned into the bathroom door way to shut the light off I realize shes still on the toilet. I start to back out of the bathroom saying something along the lines of " WOW, you can shut the door when your taking a poo at least!" She responded to that comment with " Michael the baby is coming!" I froze, the whole world stopped in place. I remember the first thought I had, and accidentally said out loud, was "Push it back inside you till the ambulance gets here!" That's when I realized that she was almost holding the babys head in her hand as she waddled her way off the toilet and started to lay on the floor.
   I tossed her my cell phone. She asked me "What am I supposed to do with this?"
What I said next was kinda humorous because it was the first thing that came to my mind. "Call your mom she has experience in this stuff she pushed you out!" Jackie wasted no time in calling her mom, then she hung up with her mom and called my mom. Luckily, her mom thought about the fact that she was the first one Jackie called and took it upon herself to call 911 lol. While all that was going on I was trying to get clean towels and think back to any movie or tv show I ever saw that had child birth in it.
   The time had come. Malakai was definately ready to see the world. I caught him with a bath towel, and did the only thing I knew that doctors do when you have a baby. I wrapped him up and handed him to his mommy. About that time we hear beating on the door. I run down stairs to answer it. Her mom, my mom, the paramedics, and the cop on duty at the time were all at my door. Only thing I could think to say was " Jackie and the baby are upstairs in the bathroom." By this point in time I had gone into shock and don't really remember what happened after. I do remember the paramedic asking me if I would like to cut the umbilical cord, I looked him right in his eyes and responded with " I just delivered the baby, don't you think I have had enough."
    When it was all said and done and her and the baby were both in the ambulance on the way to the hospital my mom asked me if I wanted her to drive me there. I responded no I have my own car I can drive there. My mom tried to warn me that I was in shock and it probably wouldn't be the best idea for me drive, but like I always do when some one tells me no, I drove my car just to show defiance and feel like I had control. I drove so fast that I passed her ambulance and beat them to the hospital.
   Once all that is cleared up and we are finally in her hospital room the doctor comes in. The doctor was talking to Jackie about how the birth was and everything and jackie was telling her the story when everything finally sunk in, when the events that had just unfolded in such a small amount of time, the fact that the child was here, and everything was gonna change hit me. I turned to the doctor and asked very politely, " Do you need me for anything else, like sign papers, ask questions or anything?". Before the doctor could finish saying " Not at this time " I passed out, legs buckled at the knees and I dropped to the floor.
  When the reality of everything sunk in it scared me. It scared me really bad. By January 16th, the day after my son was born, I relapsed. One of my " friends " had heard the news and when I went to go get the apartment set up, put up the bassinet, you know the fun stuff, he came over to tell me congratulations and " celebrate " as he said " for old times sake " he followed it up with when he seen me about to decline his offer. I don't think it was what he said, I think it was the fact that it was right there in front of me that made me want it so bad. I don't know why but I couldn't resist, I spent the next 6 hours sitting at my apartment with one of my " friends " doing coke.
   I got lucky though, I was able to recover from it. As soon as I thought about where I was supposed to be and what I was missing out on I finished what I had to do at the apartment and I went back to the hospital. I never told her about it, I made up some excuses on why it took so long, I didn't have the, the only word that comes to mind would be strength, to tell her that I relapsed.
  We will skip ahead a couple months, to March 03 2008. I got my orders to go to Basic Training. A 14 week stay at the wonderful Fort Benning resort. As infantry you do your basic training and your AIT ( advanced individual training ) at the same time with in the 14 weeks. That's why i chose infantry, shortest training time. I will let your imagination wonder as to what basic training is like.
  Skipping ahead again. Week 7 of basic training, its not quite raining but there is a light drizzle. We were doing a ruck march. One of our guys decided to say something that pissed off one of our DS ( Drill Sergeant ) so we ended up on the pull up bars in full battle rattle, with rucks, on wet bars. Not a very safe situation to be in. I slipped off the bar, landed on my hands in almost a belly flop style. My index and pointer fingers decided to be different and instead of following suit with the rest of the fingers they bent towards the top of my hand. When my weight plus the weight of the gear came down they proceeded to bend until my finger tips touched the top of my wrist.
  I tore the muscles and tendons off those two fingers. My DS made me go to the hospital to get my hand checked out. There was now an akward lump in the part of my hand in between the thumb and index finger. The doctors wanted to run test after test after test to figure out what it was. I was told it was everything from a cist to cancer. Then they came up with an idea. Send me home for 30day medical leave and when I come back my hand will be magically fixed.
   You probably already guessed it, it didn't work. When I got back how ever, they some how managed to figure out what it was with out me there. They finally told me that this lump was where my tendon had ripped off my index finger and got tangled up in the muscles below it. I was happy they found out and I was excited thinking I was gonna get it fixed. There was reality though. They then proceeded to tell me that because of the amount of time that it had taken from me injuring my hand to the time that I got back from medical leave that the tendon would have become more scar tissue then anything and the surgery's fail rate was now higher then success rate and that they were going to Medically Discharge me.
   I didn't take that news to well. It ate away at the back of my head every day that I spent there waiting to get sent home, watching my battle buddies continue in their training. It gave me a lot of time to think. I thought about what I was gonna do when I got home, I thought about how everything that i had just planned out has completely been ruined. Thats when I started to dwell on it. By the time I had finally made it back home, on July 31, 2008 I had already beat it into my own head that i would be worthless and that I was a failure.
  Needless to say I relapsed again, and this time I didn't come back from it. I lost my family, I have lost alot of friends, and I have lost myself. If you actually sat and read this then you know that I am serious about wanting to change myself. You realize that I do know what I am missing out on, and I also know that if I don't stop soon I am gonna die from it. This is why I ask you yet again, help me by supporting me, all I am asking is for a few kind words of encouragement and maybe some advice if you have some. Thank you to everyone who helps me make this journey.